A Love Story

Time to dust off the old blog and begin again.

What do I want to write about today?

A catch-up story about Love. And so I begin again.....

Somewhere in time, I was privileged to raise a family. I love this job, calling it my very favorite, and my first, career choice. I say this because when I was young and was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would answer, "a housewife".

I lived my first decade during the sixties, and to me, being a housewife, meant I could have children, help them with schoolwork, take them on picnics, teach them to read and how to play piano, decorate the house for Halloween, Easter, and Christmas, put on birthday parties with homemade cake and take-home-treats beside each plate like Tootsie-Pops and Bubble Gum, among other important housewife duties such as baking casseroles and cookies, dusting furniture, and vacuuming carpets. A housewife gets to have a home, and she gets to choose paint and carpet colors for each room, and that sounded like heaven to me. I didn't care about the picket fence, but I did envision a swing set and a sand box with a few trees to climb.

Along the way, and for a variety of reason, I chose to take on second jobs. These were mostly paid positions and for the most part I was and still am pretty successful at these second jobs, but my passion and, I believe, my  real life's work from October, 1990 through even today is being Mom to my two most precious children.

The other night I was watching "Makers" on PBS and got to watch women being shaped and formed before and during the years of my childhood, my college years, and beyond. Wow! I remember back to the days when my children were really little and having conversations with my friends about either my misinterpretation, or perhaps even the misguidance, that the women's movement had on my expectations for myself.

I bought into the idea that I should be able to do it all: Mother my children, make a cake from scratch, cook meals every night, take my kids to school, pick them up, be a Brownie leader, serve at church, go to every t-ball practice and game, and work at my second paid job while climbing the corporate ladder. I found myself inferior and lacking on the days when I cried as I drove to the office leaving my kids at home. I found myself inferior and lacking on the days when my boss wanted me to stay late and get a project done and I said no, because I wanted to be home in time for dinner.

No wonder, I turned to doctors and therapists to help me cope. I had bought into something that was false for me. I could not do both, at the same time, to the level of my expectations, and be happy with me.

Until........ I learned acceptance. Until, I learned, good enough. Until, I learned, boundaries. Until, I learned, realistic expectations.

Until I learned how to let go.

I learned how to buy a birthday cake from the grocery store and celebrate the day. I learned how to let go of the corporate ladder and be grateful for the income that provided for my children's needs. I learned, that my parents, my friends, my God did not expect perfection, nor should I, and I let go. I learned how to mother myself, and I learned how to love myself.

In so doing, I believe, I became a better Mom, and a better Me.

The women's movement, as a whole, was never wrong. My interpretations of my place in this world were my own. I believe, we must continue to work hard for the current and future generations of women who will struggle with these same issues and so much more. I am a feminist, and I am a bit wiser. May I never stop learning and growing, letting go of the old and embracing the new.

Namaste.

If I were to Tell You Everything Important that I Know Today

First :  Show Up.

There are precious moments in life that can easily be missed if I allow distraction to win my attention, or if I lack energy for being here for others. I believe, we were created to be here for each other. When we wonder why God isn't doing anything about this problem or that problem in the world, we can remember that He created us, and we are capable of helping each other, and that is part of His plan all along. We are His answer. Rather than a magic zap of a wand, he craated you and me to think intelligently and love deeply, and care infinitely, and sometimes the most intelligent thing to do is just show up and be present with others.

I ask myself:  Who can I show up for today?

Second:  Be Grateful.

When I pause and sit still and clear my mind of all the "to do's and musts" and the "didn'ts and should'ves", and meditate on "what is" and "what's good", I am blown away by what I find. The love that surrounds me every single day by a God whom I know; my children growing in perfection, each in their own circumstance and beauty; the man I love, who every day finds some way to actively show his love for me, who lets me be me, and honors the woman God created in me; my parents who have so much wisdom, love and compassion to offer me... still... even though I am grown. I have food to eat and a roof over my head and a job with a company that pays me every other week. I am grateful for my ability to help others, for the "extra" given to me that can help someone else when I merely let go, and give it away. The gratefulness calms me and peace washes over me, and all striving can cease, if only for a moment.

I ask myself:  What am I grateful for at this very moment?

And third:  Open my Mind, Heart and Spirit to infinite possibility. I believe, there is much I have yet to discover about myself, about those I love; about God, about this world I live in; about what is to come, and what has already been. My daughter and my son are my teachers as they grow up and go down paths I have not trod, and they tell me of the scenery and their teachers along the way, their struggles and their new found joys in everyday living. And I am not too old to learn new ways, to change my mind about things I thought I knew, and now it seems as though I did not know at all, and I am able to let go of that which no longer serves me, and in that open space, I can reach for betterment. I reach to those light-bearers further down my path as they lead me by asking me to consider suggestions and questions, never gving me answers, but gently leading me towards answers. As Mary Oliver says, "Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable." Leaving room in my heart for that which my mind has yet to even imagine, is powerful and exciting. I hope to always remain open to all possibility of new thoughts and new considerings and new paths and new wonderings and new wanderings.

I ask myself:  What is around the corner waiting for me to grow, stretch and discover?

Namaste

Acceptance

I am listening to one of my favorite songs. There is a verse in it that says, "Still. Are you still my child? Be still and know that I am God. Wait. Wait on my power to fight the battles that you find so hard. And rest, rest for a while until my Spirit makes you new. Still. Be still, my child, and know that I'll be God for you."

It took me an hour and a half to get to work today. The train was crossing in Cresson. Many stories of frustration could start with those words:  "the train was crossing in Cresson."

For you see, those of us who drive from and to Granbury know how hard it is to be held up for 20 minutes or so by that darn train. While we huff and puff about our schedules, and our time, and question why this train is allowed to pass through here during commuting hours, the world is still turning, precious time is still passing, and lessons are waiting to be learned and applied to our lives. Perhaps God's message to me was, "I've been watching you run around in your circles, acting just like the world in all of its ways. Never seeing the truth or the miracle. Never taking the time to hear me saying, that still, are you still my child? Be still and know that I am God."

Trusting God with all matters of my life, means accepting the "train in Cresson" and every other inconvenience surrounding my day today. Accepting that there was no inconvenience, other than the one I chose, which in turn affected my spirit. My spirit could have rested instead of anxiously stomping my foot and texting my annoyance... if only I had accepted.

Acceptance:  ah, that word that often turns up in my conversations and readings...in my prayers. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change." 

When all is said and done, my acceptance of what is, and my faith and trust that many times, what is, cannot be changed by me. And with that acceptance, I can let go. I can exhale, and I can breathe in deeply. I can rest, and know that God will be God for me... for those I love... for those I still resent... And one day, with God's miraculous power, resentments will be gently released, leaving room for all things new. Today, the train crossing in Cresson was a blessing for me.

Letting God be God today. Namaste.

Holding On and Letting Go

I am face to face with a transition in my life. My children are both young adults and no longer living full time at my house. Yes, my house is still their home, but not their residence. And what does that make me? Herein lies the transition... for me.

Personal truth is not what everyone wants to hear somedays. Many want to hear their own truth. But, my personal truth is that it hurts, just a little more than a little to watch them grow and go.

You see, I prayed for the creation of these children for years before they ever came into my life - before they were conceived and grown within the depths of my body. These kids were a dream and hope and goal and vision of mine... and they came... each in their own time, on their own terms, with their own souls which brought characteristics of their heritage, but a whole lot of their individual personality - God's creation, mostly.... not mine.

And I cherished these children of mine during pregnancy. I ate right, I slept, I denied myself certain things, and when the growing babies within my womb wanted milk and I wanted dessert, we had ice cream... the two of us, together, on the couch.... while I stroked my growing tummy and whispered my prayers and my love and my hopes and dreams for them.

Growing a baby in your body is not easy work. It may be quite natural, but it is hard work. There is nausia and so-tired-I-might-just-lay-down-and-nap-right-here, thank you very much. They were little heaters, making me warmer than any heating pad could ever imagine. I had itchy skin and towards the end, feet pushing up on my lungs and sometimes jumping on my bladder, both at the same time.

I remember my stomach rocking and rolling enough that friends across the room could see those babies moving around without me having to tell them. Oh, how I prayed over those nine months for my body to keep hold of those babies. Each one - praying for them to stay and grow and come at just the right time. And they did. My body held on and then one day out they came into this world and one of the first things I got to do was hold them in my arms.

And hold on to them I did. I remember my son coming out of body with a little blue-ness as the doctor worked quickly to cut that cord from around his neck and the nurse talking nonstop that all would be OK... not to worry, not to fret, the doctor was taking care of my baby boy and yes, sure enough, a few suctions a few rough rubbing on him and he pinkened up and was so alive and well. I remember having to wait to hold him, but when I did, I hung on. I held him close and never, ever wanted to let go.

I remember the slipping and sliding as they laid my baby girl on my stomach, fresh out of my body. She was wet and slippery and I held on... laughing, joyful.... full of precious life, and all my dreams coming true. No breath holding for her, she breathed and cried and looked into my face with wonder and maybe even some recoginition... "Mom, oh there you are."

And there were so many memories. Birthday cakes, balloons, t-ball uniforms and coaches, Brownies with "cute" brown vests and patches, Kids Khoir, sunday school and preschool, first days of school, vacations, swimming pools, diapers, and potty chairs, car seats and sippy cups, photos and posing, blocks and play doh, dolls and balls, music, Barney, basketball and soccer, cheerleading and dance recitals, letter jackets and class rings, college applications, and scholarship generation, graduation gowns and announcements, dorm room shopping and packing the car. And all the while, holding on.... holding on.

And now the day has come to learn to let go, and it is hard and it is wonderful, but it is hard. For I didn't really dream about the letting go in quite the same joyful hopefulneses that I did with the holding on.

My dear, dear, dear children. My arms are always here for you. My heart is always beside yours. My hopes and dreams for you are firmly planted inside each of your memories, my prayers have been spoken as I held you, as I watched you sleep, as I waited for you to come home at night, and as I hugged you good-bye at the car before I drove away.

Live your lives. Chase your dreams. Enjoy the good times. Cry and feel the hard times knowing "this too shall pass". Embrace today. Plan for tomorrow. Love yourself. Remember God is with you no matter what. Expect miracles. Treat others with kindness and respect. Never, never, never give up. Remember that God is all about 2nd, 3rd, 4th and Nth chances and do-overs. And remember my love is never ending.

Older High Milage Cars

I bought a car with 80,000 miles on it 4 years ago for my son to drive. I believe, it is "used up". Yes, the motor runs "fine", the transmission seems "OK", the AC even pumps out cold air. But I can feel it in my gut - this car is about to cause a very large decision on someones part... namely me.

Yesterday, my son drove it into the driveway, turned the engine off, with the key, and then realized the rest of it would just not turn off. The radio was playing, the AC was blowing, and all the little red lights on the dashboard that indicate you have some sort of battery power still on were all lit up.

The key would turn in the ignition, but it was catching on nothing. In other words you can't turn it all the way on OR all the way off. The battery was engaged and there was no way to turn it off. I called the guys I know who know a little something about cars and their advice was to call someone else... a repair shop.

You know, I am just about ready to call the junk shop, head to the dealership, and make this problem go away for another few years. I don't know how to diagnose or repair, or really barely maintain a car, let alone an older high mileage car with more problems than what is reasonably fixable based on the low value of the car.

I think, what I learned as a child - and as an adult - is go to the dealership and fix this problem. I am not equipped to fix the issues this car has and is going to continue to have. There are times when I must wave the white flag and give up. Yes, I wanted this car to last another 2 years - but the expense and headache of that choice is looking invaluable and less and less valuable as some teaching tool of growing up and taking financial responsibility. There are no finances to pay for the repairs but my own, so who is learning what. Furthermore, if the car were mine to drive, I would have gotten rid of it a clutch and a radiator and a broken door handle repair ago (of which I paid to fix).

Sometimes, it is time to think for oneself - and ignore the whining of the world around you - and make a decision that works for me.

Imagination and Creating Something New

This morning, I sat outside while the sprinklers ran. The sky was slighly overcast and I imagined it was raining outside. The coffee tasted better and the air smelled sweeter. Imagination is good.

Why do so many of us leave our imaginations behind sometime after childhood? I problem solve and come up with creative solutions, but imagination? No, not really. I am literal and direct and unimaginative throughout most of my life. And lately, stressed. Blah!

Just because life isn't easy, is exactly why we should exercise our imagination fully.

I don't know about you, but listening to the news makes me want to stay home. Our world is dangerous with unspeakable things happening everyday not only in third world countries, but on our campuses, and at our bus stops, and in the very homes that should keep us all safe. Our political system and government is totally screwed up, and every side of the political system wants to point and blame. Possible solutions are thrown out, those who might be using their imagination for creative solution are dismissed due to political agenda or perhaps where money flows for reelection and other benefits. Everyone has a reason to not believe, not agree, and say NO. I am tired and sad watching smart people act so dumb.

If I were a pessimist I would say my church is falling apart, or worse...has fallen apart at the seams. Again a place where we should feel safe, is the very place where it feels stressful and even a little dark right now.Did you also know that Mahatma Gandhi said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." Wow. That is something to really think and ponder on, and look inside to consider just what do we look like when we show up as followers of Christ, a simple man who knew God.

Perhaps using my imagination, I can create a better world... and just maybe... if I could re-create my own self, I would be a part of the new and better creation. For what shall rise up out of the dust, but not something new and better. That is our only answer - for each one of us to be the change we want to see in the world just like Mahatma Gandhi proclaimed years ago during his own distress with the world.

Namaste

Good Morning

When the alarm goes off, I am reluctant to awake. I continue to snooze and doze for 30 more minutes. Upon awakening fully, I am disappointed to see my quiet coffee time diminished due to staying in the bed too long. Oh to have more mornings without a schedule attached. Time to sleep, time to sit quietly holding my coffee cup, time to write, time to pet my cat...