Looking for Myself

Some people just have a knack, an inner strength, for thriving during surviving a disaster. I don't know where it comes from, that ability to get up and get on with life. They seem able to put things in perspective, find joy in their lives, in the world as it has changed around them.

I read yesterday on the Compassionate Friends Facebook site that losing a child changes you forever and when well-meaning people want you to get back to your old self, that the comments were all in agreement:  you are never your old self again and you have to find your new normal.

How many other tragedies leave people in this place:  having to find a new normal?

I can only imagine what it would feel like to lose a child. It brings me to tears to think of it - and I've had friends who have lost babies and a sister who lost her son. I have not had it happen to me.

And so many say it is the worst thing that can happen to you.

And still.............. I find myself looking for myself and wondering who I have become. Who is this stranger? I am not who I thought I would become. And the world around me is unrecognizable at times. I can create only so much of it myself, and much is other's doing, and the rest, I suppose is what I didn't do that I could of.

Completely different, I am sure - but still, I wonder:  am I at a crossroads of finding my own new self:  my own new normal.

Marketing to Singles

I have been on dating sites so much that the adverstisement during any Youtube video I watch always asks me, "Did a hot guy messge you today at PlentyOfFish.com today? Check here."

The advertisement on my own Facebook page this morning reads, "

Make Him Addicted To You

havetherelationshipyouwant.com

Just say this to make him commit his heart to you. Get free member access and find out.

 

What do the married folks get as advertisements?

I am called

Yesterday in Sunday School my pastor friend was talking about the times of the prophets throughout the Bible. While talking about one of the time periods, she said it appeared that God was losing.

Sometimes when I listen to the news, it feels like God is losing today. The hatred and fear and rejection and hunger and violence is overwhelming. The fact that it is broadcast into my bedroom first thing in the morning sometimes causes me to feel like I can't breathe. I am supposed to be a part of the solution and all I want to do is put my head under the covers and stay in the warmth of my bed and breathe (and hide).

I am only one person. A person with my own disappointments in life..... feeling a bit overwhelmed with the responsibility of my job, my singleness as a parent, my finances.... actually of just doing life as a single woman. I am tired of doing it all alone.

And yet, I am called. I am called. And I feel inadequate and incapable. I feel scared and lonely and yes, a little selfish about what I want to do with my time. How many times have I said, "no" to the call.

And yet..... I am called.

Parties of the Heart

Parties of the Heart...from Radical Grace, Fthr. Richard Rohr

"Somewhere each day we have to fall in love, with someone, something, some moment, event, phrase, word, or sight...Somehow each day we must allow the softening of the heart. Otherwise our hearts will move inevitably toward hardness. We will slowly become cynical without even knowing it.... So create and discover the "parties" of the heart, the places where we can enjoy and taste the moment-the places where we can give of ourselves freely to what is right in front of us.  If you're not involved in giving your thoughts, your emotions to others, for-giving reality, as it were, taking will usually take over. One style or another eventually predominates in almost every life. Ask God to give you the grace to fall in love with something every day. Then you'll see rightly, because only when we are in love do we understand.  Because only when we've given ourselves to reality can we in fact receive reality...."

And here are my own words:

I am in a party of rest. From this moment until I return from my cruise, may my heart and soul just rest:  from the heartbreak of summer, from the craziness of dating sites and first and last dates, from the worries of my children and my parents, from the rushing around and celebration of the holidays, from the becoming 50 and growing older, and from the anxiety of what has been and what will be. God, just let me rest from all of this for just a while. And may I fall in love with myself, my world, my life……. as it is.

Amen.