Holding On and Letting Go

I am face to face with a transition in my life. My children are both young adults and no longer living full time at my house. Yes, my house is still their home, but not their residence. And what does that make me? Herein lies the transition... for me.

Personal truth is not what everyone wants to hear somedays. Many want to hear their own truth. But, my personal truth is that it hurts, just a little more than a little to watch them grow and go.

You see, I prayed for the creation of these children for years before they ever came into my life - before they were conceived and grown within the depths of my body. These kids were a dream and hope and goal and vision of mine... and they came... each in their own time, on their own terms, with their own souls which brought characteristics of their heritage, but a whole lot of their individual personality - God's creation, mostly.... not mine.

And I cherished these children of mine during pregnancy. I ate right, I slept, I denied myself certain things, and when the growing babies within my womb wanted milk and I wanted dessert, we had ice cream... the two of us, together, on the couch.... while I stroked my growing tummy and whispered my prayers and my love and my hopes and dreams for them.

Growing a baby in your body is not easy work. It may be quite natural, but it is hard work. There is nausia and so-tired-I-might-just-lay-down-and-nap-right-here, thank you very much. They were little heaters, making me warmer than any heating pad could ever imagine. I had itchy skin and towards the end, feet pushing up on my lungs and sometimes jumping on my bladder, both at the same time.

I remember my stomach rocking and rolling enough that friends across the room could see those babies moving around without me having to tell them. Oh, how I prayed over those nine months for my body to keep hold of those babies. Each one - praying for them to stay and grow and come at just the right time. And they did. My body held on and then one day out they came into this world and one of the first things I got to do was hold them in my arms.

And hold on to them I did. I remember my son coming out of body with a little blue-ness as the doctor worked quickly to cut that cord from around his neck and the nurse talking nonstop that all would be OK... not to worry, not to fret, the doctor was taking care of my baby boy and yes, sure enough, a few suctions a few rough rubbing on him and he pinkened up and was so alive and well. I remember having to wait to hold him, but when I did, I hung on. I held him close and never, ever wanted to let go.

I remember the slipping and sliding as they laid my baby girl on my stomach, fresh out of my body. She was wet and slippery and I held on... laughing, joyful.... full of precious life, and all my dreams coming true. No breath holding for her, she breathed and cried and looked into my face with wonder and maybe even some recoginition... "Mom, oh there you are."

And there were so many memories. Birthday cakes, balloons, t-ball uniforms and coaches, Brownies with "cute" brown vests and patches, Kids Khoir, sunday school and preschool, first days of school, vacations, swimming pools, diapers, and potty chairs, car seats and sippy cups, photos and posing, blocks and play doh, dolls and balls, music, Barney, basketball and soccer, cheerleading and dance recitals, letter jackets and class rings, college applications, and scholarship generation, graduation gowns and announcements, dorm room shopping and packing the car. And all the while, holding on.... holding on.

And now the day has come to learn to let go, and it is hard and it is wonderful, but it is hard. For I didn't really dream about the letting go in quite the same joyful hopefulneses that I did with the holding on.

My dear, dear, dear children. My arms are always here for you. My heart is always beside yours. My hopes and dreams for you are firmly planted inside each of your memories, my prayers have been spoken as I held you, as I watched you sleep, as I waited for you to come home at night, and as I hugged you good-bye at the car before I drove away.

Live your lives. Chase your dreams. Enjoy the good times. Cry and feel the hard times knowing "this too shall pass". Embrace today. Plan for tomorrow. Love yourself. Remember God is with you no matter what. Expect miracles. Treat others with kindness and respect. Never, never, never give up. Remember that God is all about 2nd, 3rd, 4th and Nth chances and do-overs. And remember my love is never ending.