Who I am and What is

When I first saw my therapist many years ago, she asked me, "Who are you, Judy?" She recalls that my expression was like a deer caught in the headlights. I remember not knowing what she meant by the question. I could answer it by telling her what I did for a living, by telling her that I was married and telling her about who I was married to. I could tell her that I was a Mom and tell her about who my children were. I could tell her my denomination, my major, my CPA exam scores. I could tell her who I had as friends and what I did in my spare time.

This is not what she wanted to hear. She wanted to know WHO I WAS. It brings tears to my eyes to remember... I did not know. I had hopelessly lost my way. I was sick and tired. I knew what I did, what I had accomplished, but I didn't know who I was.

I went and visited with her a few weeks ago. I told her through tears over the phone that I couldn't pull myself together. It was another moment of not knowing who I was, or at least doubting who I was and what I might have done.

That afternoon I was sitting across from her in her living room and she asked me. "Judy, how do you know that what happened was supposed to happen?"

If I were to ask her, I would bet that I had that same look as I had years ago in her office. I had no idea... how I was supposed to know that WHAT had happened was supposed to happen. My thoughts bounced around from because I wasn't supposed to live in Oregon, because I didn't want to leave my children, because Texas was my home? Because the moon was full, because I was born in December, because my palm said it was to be so?

She waiting and allowed me to think and ponder the question a bit more and then she said, "the way we know that what happened was supposed to happen, is that it did."

Because, it did.

Those were the wise woman's words.

We know it... because it happened.

She continued that the suffering comes from not only from the grief and the broken heart, but also from arguing with what is.

I'm not sure of the connection between these two seasons of my life other than relationships with the men I loved were complete and I was clinging to them... wanting what was... to change.

What is can be celebrated given the proper time and mind set.

What is often is better than what was.

Not always, but sometimes.

I am a stronger and more independent woman than I was before. I have so much more courage and kindness and compassion than before.

I know more about who Judy is today than I did before.

I am a survivor. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am courageous. I am fierce. I love, I care, I wonder. I seek. I play. I dance. I write. I create. I love more.

Tonight I celebrate who I am and what is.

Namaste