Search for Significance

Hey! This is an important day for me. Day 1 of telling my story. I may tell more background as the days go by, but today it feels important to go back a few years when I began a journey into the woods on a path leading to somewhere I knew not. I only knew that I needed to go. I can tell you that I was much too weary for the journey, and yet I left just in time. Times were not good, and I had no recognition of what I had become. I take responsibility for this. My choices took me to the place that ran me straight into a brick wall - the end of a time.

And a choice was in front of me. Stay stuck within panic, anxiety, and putting on a happy face, while counting my blessings, or to pack my valice and walk into those dark woods with only an inner knowing that this was the only choice I had or I would surely die. I call that period of my life the Search for Soul. And in those woods, I found who I was, before I had become so lost. And I liked her, which of course was me all along.

Well, those days are long behind me and yet these past weeks I have found myself in yet another place of choice and decision that I know, from that deepest place within, that my choice is paramount to who I am and who I will become. I was in love; well, I probably still am; and yet, he could not provide that which I needed most. And in all fairness, I was not able to promise and give him what he was asking me most to do. He needed to go away... someday... and wanted me to follow. And yet, in that deepest place within me I felt it was not a journey that was mine, and I let him go... with tears and fears and a bit of doubt, and a whole freakin' lot of despair.

And so today, I sit here in my home in Texas, and say to myself: "Good for you. For being true to yourself and all whom you love, that no matter the cost, you chose the right thing to do. And it is hard, so don't minimize the courage it took to face what you are facing today: which of course is the loss."

I begin today on a new journey. The Search for Significance. For eighteen of the past nineteen months, a large part of my significance seemed to come from being loved on a daily basis by a man. That's right! My daily life and my smallest thoughts mattered to a man who asked everyday, more than once, how I was, how was my day, what happened at work, how were the kids, wondering what mattered to me today. And then he shared his day and his life. He said "Good Morning", "Good Night", and "I Love You Most" And from all of this, I felt SIGNIFICANCE.

I am not alone in life. I have friends texting, emailing, facebooking, calling, inviting..... they are trying to fill the void and for that: I AM GRATEFUL. Truley, I am grateful. Thank you friends, thank you family, thank you GOD.

And I have to ask the question as I pack my bag to begin my search for significance: Where will this journey take me over the course of the next few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or even years? Where will I go - with me - in search of this next part of me that seems lost?

I have a friend who said that "Loss does not equal Lost". I believe her statement, but nevertheless, LOST is what I feel as I begin.

Anyone who wants to join me, follow along. Anyone who has been there before, welcome to my story; our story. Namaste